After seven years together, a woman reminded her boyfriend of her non-negotiable: no children before marriage
He wants kids now due to a health condition but still refuses to propose, fearing divorce
She is standing firm on her boundary, and he has since accused her of punishing him for not marrying her
A woman is seeking support from the Reddit community after telling her boyfriend of seven years that she won’t have children with him unless he’s willing to marry her first.
Their long-term romance, once filled with dreams of “marriage, kids, a house, the whole shebang,” has hit a crossroads, and now she’s asking if she’s in the wrong for standing her ground.
“I like kids and I think I’d be a good mother,” the 31-year-old writes in her post, describing herself as open to parenthood but also perfectly content with her life as it is. “I’d like to have children but I wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have any,” she adds, making it clear she’s not desperate to become a mom.
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Stock photo of married couple
Her 33-year-old boyfriend, on the other hand, “has always dreamed of being a dad,” and recently suggested that they’re finally ready to start a family. The situation is somewhat complicated because her boyfriend’s health is fragile. “He has a disease that very much so limits his life expectancy,” she shares, and he’s told her, “if he doesn’t have kids asap he probably shouldn’t have them at all, because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to see them into adulthood.”
But his recent suggestion left her “a little confused,” since she’d made her feelings clear from the very beginning.
She reminded him of what she said within the first year: “I would never have children with a man that I’m not married to. I feel like children are a much bigger commitment than marriage, so marriage should come first.”
She was upfront about her values, admitting, “If a man doesn’t love me and isn’t committed enough to spending the rest of our lives together, I don’t see why I wouldn’t make the sacrifice of bearing his children? Maybe it’s old fashioned of me.” Despite her clarity, her boyfriend was unmoved.
“He was awkward, and said he just doesn’t want to get married,” she recalls. His reasoning? “He said men get screwed over in divorces all the time, and he just doesn’t think marriage is important or a smart choice.”
She accepted his feelings, telling him, “That’s fine. We don’t have to get married. I’m happy with our life as is.” But she then drew a line: “We just won’t be buying a house together or having children together.”
She’s even suggested a practical solution: “We can each buy our own house and live in one, and rent out the other. If we aren’t getting married I don’t want to really entangle our finances in any way.” But her boyfriend wasn’t happy with that arrangement, either.
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Stock photo of pregnant woman
“He blew up at me and said I’m punishing him for not waiting to marry him,” she writes, frustrated that her boundaries are being seen as punishment. She insists, “I’m not, just that having children outside of marriage goes outside of my personal values.”
She’s also made it clear she won’t accept a marriage proposal just to smooth things over. “I want him to actually want to marry me, and if not, that’s okay,” she adds. “Children and marriage are off the table for us.”
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Commenters believe she is completely justified in her beliefs.
“This man is asking OP to take a huge amount of risk to satisfy his desires, but when she asks for him to do reasonable things to mitigate that risk, he started flailing,” writes one commenter.
Adds another, “Stick to your guns but also, if you want to marry and have children, leave him. You have no time to waste on a man who is not on the same page. And a man who expects you to put your life on the line when he isn’t event willing to put his money on the table, is not a man you need to be with.”
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