The Mastermind from “Big Brother” speaks in exclusive interview

Put away the life vests, Rachel Reilly! Take off that funky hat, aura painter! Stop working on all those rehearsed speeches, Jimmy! Because there is only one true breakout star this season of Big Brother, and that star’s name is… the Mastermind???

Yes, the Mastermind! This devilish-looking character who may or may not also double as a Spirit Halloween store employee has reigned chaos all over the Big Brother house this season. The Mastermind not only unleashed a (since departed) secret accomplice into the game, but also kidnapped host Julie Chen Moonves and made off with a valuable Head of Household relic… as one does.

Once the houseguests blew up his secret lair — after, I guess, teleporting to a remote South Pacific island by the look of things? — the Mastermind retaliated by breaking into the BB house and cracking a safe none of them knew even existed. (He also creepily watched them sleep for reasons that remain unclear. Selecting another secret accomplice, perhaps?)

But what are the Mastermind’s true intentions? How was he (or she!) able to make off with the Chenbot in mere seconds? And where is home now that the secret lair is no more? We were able to track down this dastardly villain for an exclusive interview before the next strike.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: First off, let me just say… big fan of your work. And I absolutely love the look. Who’s your stylist, and did he or she escape your secret lair before it was blown to smithereens?

THE MASTERMIND: Style icon Mon Won designed all my looks. Unfortunately, I had to feed him to my sharks after he took some unflattering measurements.

That was a very brazen attempt on your part to abduct the beloved longtime host of a popular reality competition show while on the air! And yet you got her out of there so quickly! What sort of behind-the-scenes work and planning went into that? Do you have another secret accomplice among the Big Brother crew?

My minions are everywhere, Dalton. They’re even spying on you, and the amount of time you spend watching the BB Live Feeds is a bit troubling. Can you say, “no life”?

What’s your ultimate goal here, Mastermind? World domination? Or is it something more specific, like… say, instituting the return of Pandora’s Box?

What kind of Mastermind would I be if I told you all my evil plans? But, I will reveal one goal… losing 15 pounds by September. My cloak is a bit tight.

We saw in your goodbye message from the Diary Room that you were clearly disappointed in Amy’s gameplay this season. Why did her raging success as your accomplice not carry over into the game? And do you bear any responsibility for her failure as a player for not training her hard enough?

How dare you disrespect the Mastermind with such an insinuation?! Next question.

I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Mastermind, but would you like to comment on the rumors swirling out there about your alleged long-simmering feud with OTEV?

Lies! OTEV is a shapeshifting master of disguise, and I am a Mastermind. We’re good friends. Every Tuesday we meet up for ice cream. Two masters. Two straws. One peanut butter banana shake.

Finally, and I know you can’t say much, but any clues you can share as to the current condition of your new lair? And have you installed any upgrades over Lair 1.0?

Thanks for asking, it’s coming along great! I installed a trapdoor that drops unsuspecting victims into my new piranha pool. Oh, and I just set up Paramount+! That Mayor of Kingstown is my fave!

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