“Survivor 48” recap: Star gets a bad rap

Key Points

• A history of Survivor, in rap form.

• Jeff Probst continues to let his freak flag fly.

• Unfortunately, the entire cast of Survivor 48 knows how to spell.

Yo, I’m watchin’ Survivor, this show is kinda dope
They got immunity contests where you pull a big rope
Strong four straight chillin’, no one working with Mary
Jeff Probst talkin’ waffles can’t help but be a bit scary
Eat food on reward and you’re sure to get sick
Wear a blindfold in a challenge, you might hurt your…

Okay, okay, that’s enough of that. Clearly, I am no Star Toomey. Star, who just became the first Survivor contestant to bust out not one but two raps in the same episode. It goes without saying that “My Enemies Are Plottin’” will go down as a modern classic of the art form. The beats were solid, the flow was exquisite, the bars were on point. She could have stopped there, content to obtain immediate one-hit wonder status. But the rhymes just kept coming!

Star’s encore performance of “It’s Time to Go” during her final words may be seen by some as a mere afterthought, but to construct such a fully realized vision of post-Tribal catharsis while still in the throes of grief is a remarkable artistic achievement that should not be overlooked. Watching Star serve up this delicious hip-hop dish on a platter at Tribal Council also could not help but act as Exhibit A as to why we need more Ponderosa content back in our lives. Because Ponderosa is where all of the greatest Survivor raps in history have come to glorious life. Let’s take a look.

Of course, the ultimate Survivor Ponderosa musical act of all time would be Heroes vs. Villains jury band the Dragonz, comprised of Coach, JT, and Courtney — a group so legendary that the band inspired a super exhaustive oral history. Part of their posthumously released The Ponderosa EP was a song titled simply, “Dragonz Rap.” This absolute banger can be found at the 2:35 mark of the video below.

Dragonz producer and music impresario Norwood Cheek attempted to catch lightning in a bottle once again the following year when he enlisted Survivor: Nicaragua jury members Andrea Boehlke, Matt Elrod, and David Murphy to form a band titled Chucho, who recorded the unreleased hip-hop curiosity “Monkey in a Cage,” which Entertainment Weekly unearthed from the vaults as part of the Dragonz oral history. Just how curious is it? Take a listen…

Of course, the true pièce de résistance when it comes to Survivor raps was delivered by none other than The Noble One (a.k.a. Chris Noble), with the bop to end all bops, simply titled “Ponderosa.” This is the dope Survivor rap by which all other Survivor raps will be judged, complete with a hilarious, pimped-out music video to boot. Crank that bass and enjoy…

So where do Star’s two songs rank alongside these classics of the albeit extremely obscure and narrow genre that only I care about? That is for you to decide as we ponder yet another missed opportunity by not having a live finale this season where Star could pull a Sekou Bunch and bring us to commercial with a fresh new jam. Damn you, after-show!!!! Okay, let’s make our way through the rest of Survivor 48 episode 10 before I start dropping more bars.

A reverse psych-out

The editors got me. Those sneaky bastards did it again. I was flat-out convinced Joe or Eva were going home this week. Knew it in my bones. Because they made it so obvious! Just look at these quotes from the episode:

• “We really hold a lot of power because I’ve built up an artillery of weapons to protect me and my allies. I have the hidden immunity idol, I have a Safety Without Power, and with all that we can get to the final four and everybody else can’t really do anything about it.” — Eva, after the Tribal Council that voted out David.

• “We got eight days left in the game and I never felt so solid with my alliance.” —Joe, after bringing in Mitch and Kamilla to increase the strong four to bigger six.

• “I don’t picture anyone trying to make a move on me or my core people. I feel unconcerned with the next few votes.” — Eva, during the reward chicken and waffles feast.

I’m sorry, but those are the quotes of people that are ready and waiting to be blindsided to the bejeezus. How many times over 48 seasons have we heard quotes like that only to see the mouthers of such Survivor sacrilege be blindsided later that very same day? Of course, as the card-carrying president of the #Joeva fan club, this meant that I was fairly distraught throughout the entire episode, causing an immediate shortage of Milwaukee’s Best in the northern New Jersey region due to panicked overconsumption.

In the past, including such quotes in the edit was a surefire tip-off, but now they’re a great reverse red hearing. It’s like a giant Survivor double negative where people saying how safe they are actually means they could, for once, be safe. Ah… but for how long?

But who cares about any of that when Mailman Mitch is getting chased by a rabid pit bull?!? Not only did Mailman Mitch wipe out while getting chased by a chained-up pit bull, but he completely reenacted the wipe out while writhing around in sand for his tribe’s amusement. Perhaps they needed to be amused after being kept up all day and night by Mitch’s snoring. As the certified lightest sleeper on the planet who has seriously considered having plugs surgically and permanently inserted into my ear canals, I can sympathize with Star’s plight in being kept awake by Mitch’s snoring. I just wish she had written a dope-ass rap about it.

Snake in the sand

Don’t look now, but we have an old-fashioned reward challenge this week! And it was a Survivor classic that I kinda feel we maybe first saw in Millennials vs. Gen X but am definitely too lazy and full of Milwaukee’s Best to go and fact-check. It was that one where players’ arms and legs are bound like they are in a BDSM dungeon as part of some late night Skinemax docu-series. They then have to slither like a snake through the sand, only this time instead of pushing a buoy with their face, they had to use their mouth to drag the buoy — which, frankly, did not seem quite as funny as the previous incarnation.

Clearly recognizing that the tweaked challenge was not as humiliating or embarrassing as pushing a ball across a dune with your schnoz, Jeff Probst more than made up for it by peer-pressuring the contestants into some sort of weird fried chicken and waffles chant that gained momentum faster that Mailman Mitch being chased by a chained-up pit bull.

Can I tell you how into Probst’s weird era I am? Had I not been out for last week’s recap, I would have laid down 1,000 words easy on Jeff randomly breaking into an English accent. WHY IS HE DOING THAT?!?!? I have no idea, but I absolutely love it. Remember when he momentarily turned into a gargoyle at Tribal Council? Or that time he morphed into what I guess was William Shakespeare??? The dude is like, “F— it. I’m 48 seasons in. Where my Falstaff at?”

I’m so about all of this. The fried chicken and waffles chant was so bizarre and so wonderful that I honestly kind of wanted it turn into the Sideshow Bob rake gag and just keep going and going and going until it was time for next week’s preview… and the preview was them still doing the fried chicken and waffles chant!!!

What would have been the absolute best is if they were all doing the chicken and waffles chant, and then players all slowly stopped doing it after it had gone on for a while… BUT JEFF JUST KEPT GOING! So then Kamilla and Joe and Mitch just sort of all looked awkwardly at each other and were like “I guess we should start chanting again?” And then the players once again all restarted chanting “fried chicken and waffles” because they didn’t know what else to do and could not handle how uncomfortable it was to watch their all-of-a-sudden crazy host sit there and chant about food that he wasn’t even going to eat!

Anyway, they eventually (and unfortunately) stopped and Kyle won the challenge, enabling him to pick three other people to jump on what appeared to be an excessively crewed speedboat to another island where they could engage in various whipped cream shenanigans. His picks of Eva, Kamilla, and Shauhin were specifically designed to get Mitch, Star, and Mary “as pissed off as possible” so they would side with Kamilla and take out Joe.

What Kyle did here is pretty fascinating in that he seemingly went against his best interests in helping Kamilla try to take out Joe, who not only acts a huge shield for Kyle, but also actively wants to bring Kyle to the final four. But Kyle recognized that Kamilla also needed some agency in this game, and he was willing to aid her in taking out his ally to prove his allegiance, while doing so from the shadows so as not to upset Eva and Shauhin. Sneaky. And also the move of a good ally.

Rack ‘em and stack ‘em

Ah, yes, the classic spell-immunity-backwards-in-balancing-blocks challenge in which I always secretly hope someone misspells immunity because there would be nothing funnier in the whole world then someone stacking all eight blocks, only to for it to read immutiny. Also, if producers truly want to scratch my classic reality TV itch, they would change the word that needs to be spelled from immunity to technotronic, but that is neither here nor there.

Anyway, everyone knows the only way to win this challenge is to talk incessantly to your blocks and order them to “not be a butt.” Apparently, Kyle’s blocks were being butts, and honestly, the less said about butts the better after reading this. However, after enduring drops, slow motion flies, exaggerated heartbeat sound effects, and a few make-out sessions with his pieces, Joe finally emerged victorious, beating all seven competitors. Yes, seven, because even though the Hostmaster General offered rice to last the rest of the game if three people sat out of the challenge, he could not find a single taker.

Big props to the Survivor 48 cast for giving up that grub for a shot at immunity. I think the decision was probably helped by the fact that this is a challenge that everyone probably thought they had legitimate chance to win. There are some competitions where people show up and know they have no chance. Not this one. Doesn’t matter how tall or small you are. Balance is not as huge an issue on this one as it is on some others. Strength is pretty irrelevant. This contest is the great equalizer, which probably played a part in nobody sitting out.

Anyway, congrats to Joe on winning his third individual immunity, no doubt sending Club Condo into an absolute frenzy.

Star of the show

Can we get a ruling on if the Revolution counts as an official Survivor 48 alliance name? I’m not sure if that was an actual alliance name, and I’m not even sure there was ever an actual alliance! Kamilla, Star, and Mary talked about forming a new fearsome foursome with Mitch to go to rocks at the next Tribal Council and take out Joe, but Mitch was not buying what Star was selling. And once Mitch was out — even telling Shauhin that Star was after him after Joe won immunity — then Kamilla folded faster than you can say Sega Dreamcast.

Which meant the vote was between Star and Mary. That’s a tough choice. On one hand, Star is endlessly entertaining and has the rapping skills of a young Mike Boogie, while Mary, on the other hand, has no problem calling out her just-voted-out ride-or-die as paranoid at Tribal Council, even though he was not paranoid at all and was actually 100 percent correct about the forces coming after them. Decisions, decisions!

In the end, Star got the boot, which is a shame. It’s really odd because Star did not get a huge edit this season at all, but every time she was shown or did get a confessional interview, it was super fun and funny. And believe it or not, this was a calm version of Star we got on TV. When we spoke the day before the game began, the woman was bouncing off the proverbial walls. Easily the most zestful player I had ever met by a long shot, Star’s vibrancy took a dip once she hit the island due to the obvious reasons (lack of food and sleep), but she still managed to be the cast’s resident Energizer Bunny.

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No one in the game trusted Star, most likely because her game — like her personality — was a bit all over the place. But for viewers, she was an absolute delight… even when she wasn’t rapping. “Hit me where it hurts, uncle JP,” she said while presenting her torch for snuffing. “Hit me where it hurts.” This one hurt viewers as well.

So let’s help with that hurt by offering you some much-needed medicine. We’ve got the entire Survivor 48 cast sharing their most embarrassing moments ever, and if you are not reading that immediately, then what are you even doing with your life? We’ll also have an exclusive deleted scene showing Star before the immunity challenge, and Jeff Probst will be weighing in on the episode as well. Plus, we’ll have our exit interview the rapping dynamo, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

Alright, it’s your turn to weigh in on the episode in the comments below, or just opine on the majesty of the Chris Noble music video. In the meantime, I’ll start working on next week’s scoop of the crispy!

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