Ramit Sethi says these newlyweds take being polite to an ‘extreme’ — why never fighting about money can be big problem

It’s not uncommon for couples to have different financial goals. But when they’re excessively nice to one another about their disagreement, much like the goofy gophers from Merrie Melodies, it can become a source of conflict.

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That’s the case for newlyweds Arie, 30, and Athena, 31, who have been married for nine months. The couple spoke to financial guru Ramit Sethi about their dream to buy a house during an episode of I Will Teach You to Be Rich. But the albatross around their necks is that Athena isn’t ready.

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It’s not as if the two are constantly fighting like Disney’s Chip and Dale. Quite the contrary — much like Warner Brothers’ Mac and Tosh they’re almost too polite about it. And Sethi thinks that’s a problem.

More than a matter of conflicting goals

When Arie and Athena discuss their disagreement about money, their respect for one another is palpable.

Before coming on the show, Athena wrote to Sethi saying, “I don’t see how we will ever be able to buy a house and have kids, our dream, and travel — my dream. We can work hard, but I’m not sure what we need to do to make both dreams a reality.”

As Arie explained to Sethi, he sees a house as a place to raise a family: “It represents freedom, privacy, a safe place,” he said.

Athena admitted she wants to support Arie’s dream, but doesn’t want to be house-poor.

“Sometimes when you buy a house too early, you feel so restricted in every other area,” she explained, adding she’s worried that owning a house will mean making sacrifices.

Along with the house-poor fears, Athena has debt and does not earn a stable income. But her husband is confident that buying a house is attainable once she nets a more stable income, and he helps her pay off her debt.

Even though they’re married, the couple does not have a shared bank account. When pressed, Athena told Sethi that while she thinks having combined finances would make life easier, she admitted that financial independence is comfortable because then they’re each empowered to manage their own money.

Sethi wasn’t convinced. He said he felt Athena wasn’t truthful on the topic of combined finances.

“What I’m seeing is agreeableness taken to an extreme, where you rewrite your own needs to fit someone else’s comfort,” Sethi said, adding that Arie and Athena are overly polite to each other. That’s good for some parts of the relationship, but it’s not going to resolve their financial woes.

Instead, he said he’d like to see them be more honest and allow for conflict so they can get their finances in sync.

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Reaching a compromise

A recent Ipsos poll found that 34% of Americans say money is a source of conflict in their relationships. Additionally, almost 25% of couples say money is their greatest relationship challenge, while 45% of respondents say they argue occasionally about money, according to a Fidelity survey.

It’s important to discuss those conflicts respectfully and arrive at a compromise. And it’s also important not to err on the side of caution out of respect for one another. That’s something Sethi said is unhealthy, as it could lead to resentment.

If you find yourself in a similar situation with your partner, start by identifying your goals. In this case, Arie wants a house as soon as possible, while Athena wants to travel. But their shared goal is to start a family.

First, they could track expenses by making careful spending decisions together. They can set up three buckets, with one being focused on a down payment for a home, a second for travel and a third bucket for child care expenses. Along with that, couples can do regular check-ins to assess their spending habits and ensure they’re sticking to their goals.

Couples can also turn to a counselor or financial advisor if money is a source of excessive conflict. It’s good for partners to treat each other with respect when there’s a financial disagreement. But don’t confuse being respectful with casting your own needs aside.

As Sethi warned, that’s not going to do either spouse any good and if anything, acting overly polite like the goofy gophers Mac and Tosh might impede reaching your goals.