An unemptied dishwasher. That’s what prompted wife and mother of four Paige Connell to consider divorce.
But it wasn’t just the dishwasher. For working moms carrying the brunt of household chores and the mental load, it never is.
“I didn’t really trust him anymore,” Connell, 35, told USA TODAY. “I didn’t feel respected. I felt resentful.”
Connell, who posts about motherhood, marriage and work on social media, has told this story dozens of times: How she asked her husband to help out more around the house, how he did for a while, and then how one day he stopped. And the crushing feeling of loneliness she experienced.
More: Revealing data shows number of caregivers in the US has skyrocketed
“It always really resonates with people,” she said. In March, the Massachusetts mom shared the story again on TikTok, and it went viral. It garnered 1.3 million likes, more than 26,000 comments and more than 257,000 shares.
Mothers − and some fathers − talk about the mental load on social media. But there’s still a lack of understanding of what the mental load is, particularly among men, said Lisa Stephen, a psychologist and wellness coach who focuses on motherhood. One partner may say to another “Just tell me what to do,” but that means the person they’re asking has to think about what needs to be done and take the time to explain it, Stephen said.
A survey of 3,000 U.S. parents published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in 2024 found moms handle 71% of household tasks including cleaning, scheduling, child care and other daily labor that requires mental effort. Another 2024 study from the University of Southern California, which surveyed 322 mothers, found moms reported being responsible for 73% of all cognitive household labor and 64% of all physical household labor. Taking out the garbage was the only 1 of 30 tasks in which fathers did more planning and execution. That study also found cognitive labor was associated with women’s depression, stress, burnout, overall mental health and relationship functioning.
Working with young kids at home? Here are 6 tips to get you through.
A 2024 report from Skylight, a smart calendar company, found the mental load equates to nearly a full-time job. The company’s survey of more than 2,000 parents found parents spend more than 30 hours per week planning and coordinating family schedules and household tasks, and 61% of respondents said the mental load has decreased their time with their partner.
Connell didn’t divorce her husband. Instead, she got serious about talking with him about the mental load.
Here are five things to know about the mental load and how couples can address it.
1. The mental load is about more than just chores
The mental load is the project management of a household, Stephen said. It’s the cognitive energy it takes to constantly assess a family’s needs − down to every nitty gritty detail − and then planning to address those needs and making sure everything gets done.
The mental load was never equitable in her relationship, Connell said. Before they had kids, her mental load included thinking about getting Mother’s Day cards for their parents, wedding gifts for their friends, planning their own wedding, taking their dog to the vet and completing mortgage paperwork.
After kids, that list grew to include things like filling out summer camp forms, buying the kids new shorts, cutting their nails, getting their kids’ friends birthday presents, taking them to various activities, filling out sunscreen forms for school and then remembering to actually send the sunscreen.
“It’s not about just who’s doing the dishes,” Connell said. “It’s also about who’s thinking about all the things that are making those chores happen, or just our lives possible.”
2. It’s a decades-old problem
Society has long placed women in caregiver roles and told men they only have value based on their job title and how much money they earn, said Emily Klear, marriage and family therapist and director of adult psychotherapy services at The Family Institute at Northwestern University.
“Old habits die hard,” Stephen said. “And the narrative that women are the caretakers is deeply ingrained. And that’s not fair to men, women or children.”
Young girls are taught early on to care for others and to “put their needs below someone else’s,” Klear said. But “we don’t teach boys to do that.”
Today, millennial and Gen Z dads are more active parents than their fathers before them. That’s great, Klear said, but it can mean that dads might think they’re contributing more to household tasks than they actually are.
Meanwhile, millennial and Gen Z women have been conditioned to believe they can have it all, professionally and at home.
“We’ve empowered women to go into men’s spaces, but we haven’t empowered men to go into women’s spaces without judgement,” Klear said.
3. The mental load makes it harder for moms to grow their careers
When Connell and her husband became parents, she said she “became the default for everything.” When her kids got sick, she was the one who took off work to care for them. When the pandemic shut down their child care, she stayed home with the kids.
Doctors and school officials called her, not her husband, to address anything to do with their children. When she went on rare work trips, people would ask her, “Who has the kids?”
The mental load made her feel stuck professionally, Connell said. For five years, she held a remote, flexible position that coupled well with parenting. But she felt she couldn’t grow in that role and missed out on networking events and development opportunities so she could take care of the kids.
Even when women work full time, and even when they are the sole breadwinner for their family, Klear said women still do a disproportionate amount of housework.
4. Talking to your partner is key
Klear suggests couples have weekly conversations to discuss logistics and how to divide the mental load. Talk about the week ahead, she said, and determine who has ownership over planning for and completing each item. The mental load might never be evenly split, but finding a balance that feels good and fair ensures the household runs as smoothly as possible.
Connell said she and her husband used Eve Rodsky’s “Fair Play Method” to start those conversations. It was clear from talking through those prompts, like listing the daily tasks each partner typically does, that she was doing the bulk of the work.
The key, Connell said, is to not frame the problem as one partner against the other, but as both partners against the mental load.
5. The mental load isn’t going away. It takes time to fix it.
After couples get used to having those weekly check-ins, Klear said, they can last about 15 minutes. Then, couples have time to connect with each other outside of household management and actually spend quality time together.
The time it takes to find the right balance varies, Klear said, and frustration along the way is almost guaranteed. She often hears husbands complain that they completed a task, but were told they didn’t do it the “right way.” She’s also found men often want to outsource tasks, by getting groceries delivered, hiring house cleaners and finding babysitters. But that doesn’t solve the problem for everyone, she said, because someone still has to manage those people and services.
Connell said it didn’t take long at all for her husband to start completing more daily household tasks. But it took 18 months for him to take on an equitable share of the mental load, and to repair the resentment that had built up over the years.
Now, she said she has the time − and energy − to travel for work, to read by herself and to go to yoga.
Madeline Mitchell’s role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input.
Reach Madeline at memitchell@usatoday.com and @maddiemitch_ on X.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Mental load can wreak havoc on marriages. Just ask this mom.
