NEED TO KNOW
A woman asked her parents not to visit during the week leading up to a music festival
However, her mom insisted on booking flights during that time and got upset when told no
The conversation ended with her mother threatening not to come at all
A musician turns to the Reddit community for advice following a difficult conversation with her mother about an upcoming visit.
In a post shared to the platform, the 30-year-old woman explains the emotional and logistical challenges behind setting a clear boundary with her family.
“Myself (30F) and my partner (27NB) are professional musicians,” she begins, noting they’re set to perform at an all-day festival in late October.
The couple had invited her parents to attend, but made it clear months in advance that the days surrounding the event would be packed.
Back in May, when the gig was first confirmed, the poster stressed to her parents that the lead-up week would be “stressful for us” and they wouldn’t be available for hosting.
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Stock photo of a woman performing on a stage
“Important to know is that my partner has chronic fatigue, and that we plan meticulously around that to ensure that they can keep their professional commitments and promises,” she adds.
Despite that clarity, her mother called in late July, saying they were planning to stay in town for four days, coinciding with the festival.
“My heart immediately sank,” she writes. “Because my mother is very intense on the ‘let’s do things together!!!’ when she is visiting.”
She reminded her mom of their earlier conversation, as well as the work required leading up to the performance. “We would be busy with rehearsals and final preparations/checks on those days, such as packing vans, ensuring all instruments and tech are perfectly set up, and organising our merch for the gig,” she tells her.
But her mother didn’t take it well, pushing back with alternative ideas. “She reacted negatively, exactly how I knew she would,” the musician explains.
“Couldn’t we just hang out during the evening, we could go out to museums before rehearsals… sightseeing, going to the beach would be relaxing, etc,” she writes of her mom’s rebuttal.
Trying to avoid conflict, she gently held her ground and suggested they move the trip a few days later so they could still attend the festival but not be in town for the days leading up.
“That would give them time to land and decompress from flying and would give us a few days after the gig to do all the things she wanted to do,” she writes.
Still, her mother was upset, focusing on how it would cost her more time off from work. “She would have to use two days of holiday, instead of one,” the poster explains. “She started complaining about how my dad doesn’t take his holiday in the summer… but she does not.”
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Despite understanding her mom’s frustrations, the poster reiterates that the days before the gig aren’t negotiable. While she “empathized” with her parents’ situation, she “held firm” and emphasized that she and her partner were “not available” on the days she wanted to come.
She explains that if her parents come anyway, they may only get to see her briefly. “It would potentially be ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye,’ at most it would be brunch in the mornings,” she writes. “But that we would be unable to join any of her usual sightseeing.”
“She ended the call with a parting statement of ‘well maybe we just won’t come at all then,’” the musician shares. “Which broke my heart, because I really wanted them to come see our gig and I was really looking to seeing my dad.”
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Stock photo of a woman playing her guitar
In a follow-up comment, she reveals her relationship with her mother is already somewhat distant. “I’m already fairly LC with her,” she notes, meaning low contact. “We live in different countries so she can’t just come visit.”
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Her biggest concern, however, is how this affects her dad. “My hesitation is around my dad,” she admits. “They’re still together, and he’s unfortunately very conflict avoidant. I’d see him a lot less if I cut off my mother.”
While she’s unsure if setting this boundary makes her the villain, many commenters praised her for standing her ground. As one put it, “You have a shiny spine and used it.”
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