Whether its the family’s annual holiday get-together or a simple dinner party, don’t surprised if guests want to express their gratitude with a hosting gift. Gift-receiving can be as tricky as gift-giving, especially if you’re caught off guard, put off by the unexpected item under the wrapping paper, or have specifically said, “No gifts!”
Below, etiquette experts and event pros weigh in on when it’s appropriate to refuse a present—and how to do it gracefully without causing offense.
Meet Our Expert
Jaime Coast, stationery designer at Cotton and Bow
Tamara Czartoryski, etiquette expert, CEO and founder of L’Agence Eventive
Kawania Wooten, principal consultant at Howerton + Wooten Events
Related: 11 Thrifted Hosting Gifts So Good You’ll Want to Keep Them for Yourself
How to Avoid Unwanted Gifts
First thing’s first—getting ahead of the problem. “What I always tell my clients is ‘clear is kind,'” says special occasions expert and stationery designer Jaime Coast. A gift registry, an invitation note or digital message that gifts aren’t requested, or, in the case of formal events like weddings, a suggestion for a donation to a pre-selected organization can all help prevent unwanted gifts. “For example, ‘Please note, we are a sober household’ on a wedding registry would let people know not to send champagne,'” suggests Coast.
“For funerals, you can ask, ‘In lieu of flowers, please send donations to…,’ or include a charity of your choice on a wedding registry website and include a line that says, ‘The greatest gift is your presence but if you wish to send a gift, a contribution to [choice of fund] would be much appreciated.’ Both of these examples gently encourage guests to contribute in ways that you would find more useful than flowers or dishes,” Coast explains.
When to Say No to Gifts
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Inevitably, someone is bound to bring along a gift no matter how many times you’ve texted, “No gifts!” In most cases, it’s usually considered more polite to accept an unwanted gift rather than refuse it. If you receive or open a gift that you don’t like or want, etiquette expert Tamara Czartoryski recommends focusing on the intention of the gift, not the item itself. “A sincere thank-you, a smile, and acknowledgment of the giver’s effort go a long way,” says Czartoryski. “You can decide later what to do with the gift—but the moment of exchange is about connection, not possessions.”
Czartoryski is certain to note, though, that gifts can of course be refused when inappropriate, conflictive with your core values, or create an obligation you cannot accept. “Even then, it should be done with warmth, empathy, and gratitude for the thought behind it, to preserve the giver’s dignity.”
Saying no to a pet or a large sum of money? You’ll be well within your rights, etiquette or otherwise. “You don’t have to be the martyr even when someone is showing you kindness,” says Kawania Wooten, principal consultant at Howerton + Wooten Events. “My three big gift refusals would be a large sum of money, an organ, or a pet.”
Related: What to Bring to a Dinner Party, According to Etiquette Experts
How to Respectfully Refuse a Gift
“Refusing a gift can put you in a precarious situation,” admits Wooten. “You want to honor the kindness behind the gift and preserve the relationship, yet you may not feel comfortable accepting it.” If you can’t accept a gift, be direct with the gift-giver and discuss the matter in person. (Text messages and emails can easily be misconstrued.)
“Start by acknowledging the giver’s generosity so they feel seen and appreciated,” Wooten suggests. “Then, be clear and direct when you say no.” You want to prevent them from trying to talk you into accepting. If asked why, Wooten recommends being truthful but succinct.
“Share one simple and truthful reason, but resist the urge to over-explain,” Wooten says. “Then, end your conversation with warmth and sincerity. You want your appreciation for the gesture to shine brighter than your refusal, so your relationship remains strong and cherished.”
Read the original article on Martha Stewart
