Passive-aggressive is a popular term that sounds like a total oxymoron—isn’t it one or the other? Passive or aggressive? Not necessarily.
“Passive-aggressive behavior is when someone expresses anger, frustration or resentment indirectly through sarcasm, subtle jabs, guilt-tripping or avoidance, rather than being direct and honest about how they feel,” explains Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist. “It’s often learned in environments where expressing emotion was discouraged or unsafe and had built up over time.”
This description may sound familiar…as in, like one or more of your parents. If passive-aggressive parents raised you, it’s possible that you still feel the effects in adulthood. You don’t have to “just get over it.”
“Most of your default responses—how you handle conflict, receive love, express needs, set boundaries—were learned before you were old enough to understand what they meant,” Dr. McGeehan points out. “We get our templates for relationships from our parents. When you understand the way your upbringing shaped your nervous system and sense of self, you stop blaming yourself for things that were adaptations, which will pull you into healthier patterns faster.”
Learning the things that passive-aggressive parents often say can foster awareness and self-compassion, putting you on the road to healing. Dr. McGeehan shares seven phrases passive-aggressive parents frequently use and how to work on your childhood wounds.
Related: If You Heard These 9 Phrases as a Child, Your Parents Likely Weren’t Ready To Have Kids, a Psychologist Says
7 Phrases Used by Passive-Aggressive Parents, According to a Psychologist
1. “I guess I’ll just do it myself.”
Maybe you had a handy parent who made awesome Halloween costumes or furniture. Dr. McGeehan isn’t talking about DIY mavens here, though. This phrase has another meaning when used by a passive-aggressive parent.
“This is such a guilt trip,” she shares. “What this person is really trying to say is that they are frustrated that no one is helping them clean or complete a task, but they don’t have a healthy way to communicate it.”
2. “Fine. Whatever you want.”
“[This] models conflict avoidance and leaves children guessing what’s actually OK,” Dr. McGeehan explains. “It’s important to note here that the person delivering this line is also not in touch with their healthy guilt or shame, so the child usually ends up absorbing this emotion and starts to feel guilty even though it’s not their emotion.”
Related: Parents Who Aren’t Close With Their Adult Kids Often Have These 12 Traits, Psychologists Say
3. “Must be nice.”
This phrase isn’t nice. It’s passive-aggressive, and it likely made you feel resentful about your joy and autonomy.
“It breeds shame and makes it hard to celebrate yourself without guilt,” Dr. McGeehan says.
4. “Oh, don’t worry about me.”
Dr. McGeehan says parents often say this passive-aggressive phrase when they struggle with self-care.
“Therefore, they make passive-aggressive comments and shame the other person,” she explains.
Yet, projecting adult issues onto a child is not fair.
Related: How To Deal With a Narcissistic Parent, According to Psychologists
5. “Careful—don’t ask your father for too much.”
Dr. McGeehan regularly hears of this phrase getting used when parents are fighting and have unresolved issues.
“If they aren’t healthily communicating their anger, it seeps out on their kids through passive-aggressive comments like this,” she notes.
6. “Wow—someone’s cranky today.”
Dr. McGeehan reports this phrase usually gets said with a laugh but it isn’t funny.
“It dismisses real emotions and teaches you to hide them to avoid being mocked,” she reveals.
7. “If you really loved me, you’d…”
Dr. McGeehan has saved her least favorite passive-aggressive parenting phrase for last.
“All of these phrases give me the ick, but this one is the worst,” she says. “This phrase is incredibly manipulative and insinuates that love is conditional on what they want. It’s incredibly controlling and is a manipulative way of trying to get someone to do something.”
Related: People Who Heard These 9 Phrases Growing up Were Likely Raised by Self-Centered Parents
3 Expert-Backed Tips for Healing from Passive-Aggressive Parents
1. Practice naming your needs clearly
Your needs may have been frequently dismissed by parents who were passive-aggressive. However, they mattered then and still do. Naming them speaks this truth into existence.
“This interrupts the pattern of expecting others to read your mind and re-teaches your nervous system that it’s safe to be direct,” Dr. McGeehan explains. “Because the unfortunate truth is that if you were raised in a home with passive-aggressive parents, then you will have passive-aggressive tendencies along with a difficult time knowing what you need and how to communicate it.”
Related: 7 Direct Phrases to Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Behavior, According to a Psychologist
2. Set boundaries without apology
You have a right to say no, not right now or not this way—even to your parents.
“This may feel unnatural at first, but it rewires the belief that saying no equals rejection or harm,” Dr. McGeehan reports. “It can be really helpful to prep the people in your life that this is a skill that you are working on and the reason why you are working on it. Remember, anytime we change the rules of a relationship, it’s important to let everyone know.”
3. Seek emotionally honest relationships
Your parents can shape your worldview. However, not everyone is like them.
“Being around people who model direct, kind communication gives you a blueprint for healing and relationships,” Dr. McGeehan shares. “Honest people are going to support your new skills and growth, but they’re also teaching your nervous system what it feels like to be in a safe relationship. Corrective experiences are everything in healing.”
Up Next:
Related: Child Psychologists Say These 9 Phrases Are Doing More Harm Than Good—Even if You Mean Well
Source:
Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist
This story was originally reported by Parade on Aug 24, 2025, where it first appeared in the Life section. Add Parade as a Preferred Source by clicking here.
