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Rio Richards, a licensed therapist, started posting on Instagram after her dad died in order to connect with more people about grief. Now, she has over 30,000 followers in the “grief space.”
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Richards shares her advice for grievers who are navigating a complicated Mother’s Day and their loved ones who want to support them during this time.
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Richards says the most important thing is to reach out, even if you don’t have the perfect thing to say.
Rio Richards became a psychotherapist in 2019 when she finished grad school. She began working as a clinical therapist, but about a month later, her dad was diagnosed with cancer.
She became his primary caregiver and was with him until he died in 2020. “My world was just turned completely upside down,” she tells PEOPLE exclusively. “Even with my own experience in grad school and all of my training and all of my clinical hours and working as an associate, it became apparent very quickly how little understanding there was about the realities of grief.”
“There’s a pretty stark contrast between what I was going through personally and what I had been trained in around grief and trauma, which was about zero,” the 35-year-old explains. About four months after her dad’s death, she took a job at a hospice foundation where she lives in California.
Rio Richards
Rio Richards (right) and her dad Peter
“I was working pretty exclusively with grievers, as I was also grieving, and so my world really just opened up in terms of personally and professionally what a life-changing experience this is and how ill-equipped our culture is and our systems are to really support someone who’s going through this,” she says.
But soon Richards wanted to open up to a larger community outside the people she knew in real life and wanted to use her voice in a way that was different from how she was trained as a therapist.
She started an Instagram account under the username andthatsgrief and stepped into what users call the online “grief space,” which she didn’t even know existed. Now, she has close to 30,000 followers on her account, where she shares her thoughts, reflections and experiences about grief while also growing a community.
Richards says that recently, a woman told her she was struggling to find an in real-life grief community, but connected with someone who had a “very similar experience” that she found in the comments. “They are each other’s support now from states away. How incredible is that?” Richards says.
As Mother’s Day approaches on May 11, Richards says she’s already talking to grievers — both people who’ve lost their moms and moms who’ve lost their children — about the “anticipatory anxiety” the day brings.
“The marketing, the decorations, social media posts, the emails, all of these things that are geared around Mother’s Day,” she says, created a “huge disconnect” that can be “activating” for grieving people.
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A woman crying (stock photo).
“It’s really hard to communicate to someone who doesn’t understand just how triggering and how upsetting these days can be,” she adds.
She wants grievers to give themselves “full permission” to take care of themselves on Mother’s Day and to change their minds at any moment.
“Pick three or four things” that might feel good to do that day, she says, and then decide what feels best when the day arrives. If you decide to see other people but change your mind, give yourself a “quick exit strategy.” It’s important, she adds, to be in a situation where you don’t feel the need to “mask” your real emotions. She also thinks it’s a good idea to stay off social media on the holiday.
And for those looking to support someone who’s grieving this Mother’s Day, Richards says just reaching out can be huge. “I think that there’s this kind of fundamental misunderstanding that we’re somehow going to remind someone grieving that their person isn’t here or that something terrible has happened,” she says. “I’ll see a lot of supporters saying, ‘Well, I just didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.’”
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A woman who is upset (stock photo)
“Please reach out and risk saying the wrong thing,” she says. “I have heard repeatedly that probably the worst response is to just say nothing.” If you text someone, “I know this day might feel really hard and I’m thinking of you,” and your loved one will likely appreciate the acknowledgment and thoughtfulness, even if they don’t respond. And instead of saying, “Let me know if I can do anything,” suggest a few things you can do for or with them.
One thing Richards does not recommend is sharing pre-made Instagram infographics that claim to send support to people struggling over the holiday and assume your friends will see it. “If you care about a person, please, please make that extra effort to send the text that will take exactly 3 minutes,” she says.
Richards’ work has made her more cognizant of how “our culture and our systems are not set up to support someone who’s going through this.”
“If someone grieving thinks that they are doing it wrong, or that they’re like missing something, I would just want to assure that person it’s not you, it’s the culture,” she says. “There is nothing wrong with you or your experience, whether it’s anger or guilt or fear or however it’s manifesting for you, and it’s probably a 1000 different ways and 1000 different moments. But you’re exactly right.”
Read the original article on People
