Gabrielle Union is opening up about how she felt using a surrogate to welcome her daughter.
The actress, 52, spoke with Marie Clare for their first-ever Motherhood issue and shared a little bit about what her mindset was like when she had to turn to surrogacy to have her daughter Kaavia, now 6, with husband Dwyane Wade, 43.
“But for me, it felt like failure. My body failed. It just felt like such a f—— public humiliation,” explains Union. “Surrogacy felt like a cuckold; watching somebody do something that I can’t do.”
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Michael Oliver Love
Gabrielle Union
Related: Gabrielle Union Shares How Daughter Kaavia, 6, Is Bonding with Sister Zaya Before She Leaves for College (Exclusive)
“To be there for somebody else succeeding where I failed — it’s a mind f— for people who have had my journey and who feel similarly,” she continues. “When it’s never been your reality, I get the urge to judge and cast aspersions because we all want whatever route we took to be the ‘right’ way.”
The star went on to say that she’ll “never” have peace with it, but notes that she’s “very grateful” to her surrogate.
“I’ll never have peace with it, ever. And that’s not a what-anybody-has-to-say thing; that’s just — my yearning has never dissipated,” says Union. “I was so ready for my surprise, but all the prayers that didn’t get answered in the way that I thought made me more conscientious that my child is here.”
“Did I want the public applause and attention that come with being a public pregnant person? Because you’re baby is here. Your child is here. Healthy. Amazing,” the proud mom says to herself.
“I’m very grateful to our gestational caregiver, though. It’s just one of those things where it’s such a personal journey that I may never know full peace with my coulda, woulda, shouldas.”
Michael Oliver Love
Gabrielle Union
At the Met Gala on Monday, May 5, the actress spoke with PEOPLE on the blue carpet and shared that while she and husband Wade are feeling “scared” about the NBA star’s daughter Zaya, 17, leaving for college in the fall, her family is trying to make the most of the time they have together at home.
“Scared but excited for her,” Union said when asked about how her family is feeling about Zaya leaving. “[She’s] an astrobiology major. So we can’t help with that. We haven’t been able to help with homework since the fourth grade, but we’re excited for next year.”
Union’s daughter Kaavia has been able to get in some extra time with her sister since the two are at the same school for the first time this year.
“It’s funny because Zaya’s a senior and [Kaavia’s] in kindergarten at the same school,” Union shared. “And so during Kaav’s lunch, Zaya comes and hangs out with Kaav. And this is really special that they’re at the same school, at least for one year.”
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