When you hear the word “abuse,” some form of physical abuse, verbal abuse or sexual abuse may come to mind. But people may not think about emotional abuse.
This kind of abuse can be more subtle to recognize and often has different motivations driving it such as control, jealousy or shame. “The goal of emotional abuse is to make another person feel bad about themselves or guilty about a situation,” says Joanne Broder, a New Jersey-based practicing psychologist and fellow of the American Psychological Association.
Here’s what emotional abuse looks like, the harms associated with it and what to do if you or a loved one is experiencing it.
What is emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse is a form of psychological abuse and is a “non-physical way to hurt, frighten or isolate another person in an effort to exert power or control over them,” says Juanita Guerra, a clinical psychologist in New Rochelle, New York.
It can cause a range of harms resulting in both short- and long-term problems such as impaired social and emotional development, low self-esteem, emotional regulation issues, poor work or school performance and difficulties forming and maintaining positive, healthy relationships.
Victims of emotional abuse are also more prone to experience mental health challenges such as post-traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self-harm, substance misuse and suicidal thoughts, says Nadine Kaslow, a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Emory University School of Medicine.
Sometimes emotional abuse can even cause physical symptoms such as “headaches, stomach ulcers or insomnia,” says Lisa Elliott, a licensed psychologist and clinic manager at Cook Children’s Behavioral Health Clinic in Denton, Texas.
This form of abuse can occur in any relationship, says Kaslow, including between peers and teachers/students in school settings, in friendships, in romantic relationships, in work settings between colleagues or from a person of authority, in social media interactions and in families between parents and children, partners or siblings.
While emotional abuse can harm anyone, “it is particularly insidious when inflicted upon vulnerable populations like children, the elderly or individuals (who) have a history of trauma,” says Guerra. “These people are already fragile and therefore ill-equipped to protect themselves.”
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What does emotional abuse look like?
Emotional abuse can sometimes be difficult to notice on the surface but can be recognized in less-obvious ways such as belittling others, talking down to someone, frequently giving dirty looks or eye-rolling, withholding affection or approval or deliberately ignoring someone by giving them the “silent treatment,” says Guerra.
Kaslow adds that constant criticism, name-calling, demonstrating intimidation through tone or threats and manipulating through blame, shame, guilt, gaslighting, humiliation or scapegoating can all also be forms of emotional abuse.
In school or social media settings, examples of emotional abuse could include “deliberately excluding a peer from a social group, not allowing a peer to sit at your lunch table at school, talking badly about someone or telling lies with the intent of ruining friendships or reputations,” says Elliott.
Sometimes emotional abuse is so subtle it’s not even identified by the person who is receiving it “until there is considerable distress,” says Guerra.
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What to do if you experience emotional abuse
The first thing they should know is that “they do not deserve that treatment,” says Broder. Healthy boundaries also need to be established with the instigator, when possible. “‘Please do not call me those names,’ or ‘do not talk to me like that,'” are different messages that could be communicated, she suggests.
Parents, teachers, school counselors, human resource representatives and clergy members can all be great places to seek initial support, depending on where the emotional abuse is taking place and how severe it is. When parents are approached by a child with abuse-related concerns, “they are encouraged to seek consultation with their physician or pediatrician, who can provide guidance with obtaining therapy services,” advises Elliott.
Someone who is experiencing emotional abuse can also “contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or text BEGIN to 88788, which is confidential and available 24/7/365,” says Kaslow. And “emotional abuse can also be treated therapeutically with the help of a skilled professional,” adds Guerra.
Kaslow also recommends focusing on healing and recovery, creating self-care routines and leaving or distancing yourself from the person causing the emotional trauma, when possible. “Also, recognize that you cannot fix or change the perpetrator, that change is only possible if the perpetrator chooses to change and gets help for themself,” she adds.
“Healing from emotional abuse requires a large dose of self-care and surrounding yourself with people, things and experiences that bring you joy and help you feel validated and valued,” says Broder. “With the right tools and support, you can heal from emotional abuse and move past the trauma of the abusive experience.”
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: What is emotional abuse? Why it’s more concerning than many realize
