Reviewed by Nicole Amoyal Pensak, PhD
It’s inevitable at our house that when older siblings head back to school, the younger ones will cry inconsolably. For hours, days and weeks even, they moan about missing their best buddies, and struggle to adjust to the new routine. The vibe is grief over the loss of languid, relaxed mornings spent eating cereal and giggling with their now-school-bound big sisters and brothers.
Then, comes the question that all parents dread: “What can I do?” On repeat, I’ll hear this frustrating phrase, which suggests that they need to be entertained by the second-best choice in the house—mom or dad—intermixed with demands to know when the other kids are returning home.
Back-to-school season is just as dramatic for younger siblings, who aren’t off to the classroom as it is for the older kids who are, and draining on us parents, who often become the default playmates once the school bus pulls away.
Helping Kids With Challenging Feelings
The best way to deal with big emotions younger sibs experience come autumn is to acknowledge and validate the feelings according to Elie Hessel, PhD, Pediatric Psychologist with Nemours Children’s Hospital in Florida.
Indeed, when kids experience difficult emotions, it’s important for parents to let them know that those feelings are normal, and that the trusted adults in their lives are here to help.
“Let them know it’s OK to feel sad or even jealous, and that you are there to support them,” Dr. Hessel says. “This encourages them to come to us when they are struggling with hard emotions and helps them feel safer or less overwhelmed by emotions, which ultimately facilitates better coping.”
Using simple language to name the feelings, like “sad” or “lonely” can also help, according to Alyssa Mairanz (LMHC-D, DCBT), Founder of Empower Your Mind Therapy.
Carve Out a New Routine
It’s normal to focus on helping older kids adjust to their routines for a new school year, leaving little ones somewhat left out. But creating a routine for them as well gives younger siblings something to look forward to, can help their transition, and fill them with a sense of purpose while their brother or sister is at school.
“Remind them of the fun things they will get to do themselves, and the ways they will be occupied, ideally creating something new or different for them on those days,” Dr. Hessel suggests.
Meanwhile, when your kids have a sense of structure, and know what to expect from their day, they will be less inclined to whine when they are bored, or continually ask when their sibling is returning home.
Activities to Stimulate and Engage Younger Siblings
One method for helping your little one feel less left out is to arrange standing playdates. Mairanz suggests connecting your child to other younger siblings who understand how they feel. Another idea is to play school with your child. This activity can help a younger sibling feel like they are a big kid, too. Mairanz points parents to free print outs, coloring books, and other resources available online.
For parents who work, and can’t play school for hours on end, or tote tots to daily playdates, experts agree a small amount of undivided attention for your child each day can go a long way. “Even five to ten minutes [together] can help them feel seen, heard, and safe,” says Mairanz. Take time out to bond, even while doing household tasks like walking the dog or eating lunch.
There’s one caveat. “Kids need independent play and shouldn’t be hovered over at every minute!” Mairanz says, Likewise, she says some screentime is alright, with the American Academy of Pediatrics saying that kids between 2 and 5 can engage in up to one hour per day.
Tips for Creating a New Routine for Little Kids
Here are some ways to make the new routine settle in more easily for the entire family:
Set aside time for yourself. Make sure you also take opportunities to enjoy your day, be it during naptime or after the kids go to bed, so you’ll be less likely to feel on edge if you’re the default playmate for six hours a day. “Parents should also take breaks on the weekends and evenings that are actually breaks,” advises Dr. Hessel. That may mean getting out of the house for even an hour so you get some alone time to quiet your buzzing mind—but no matter what, being intentional about downtime sans kids means that when you get home, you’re in a better mindset to actually engage with and care for them.
Connect with a missed sibling. When a child is really lonely without big bro or sis, Dr. Hessel recommends involving them in an activity that helps them feel connected. “They can do an art project to give to the sibling when they arrive home. Or prepare an afternoon snack to bring to the sibling at pick up time,” she suggests. Other ideas include arranging stuffies in a cute way on the sibling’s bed as a surprise and making a picture or note for the sibling’s lunch.
Talk about the older sibling’s schedule. Perhaps the unknown is what feels unsettling for the child left behind. Having their big bro or sis explain what they do while they’re not home may help ease some anxiety.
Let littles help. “Kids love to be helpful and want to be a part of what you’re doing,” says Mairanz. That letting them use your printer to make copies of a favorite page from a picnic book, or helping prep their siblings lunches for the next day.
Talk up moments of reunion. When big kids come home from school at last, Mairanz says, “encourage shared playtime so they can appreciate each other and the time they have to play together.”
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