OPINION: As a veteran dad in this fatherhood game, I know how much pressure there is to be the world’s greatest dad.
Editor’s note: The following article is an op-ed, and the views expressed are the author’s own. Read more opinions on theGrio.
I got pretty lucky in the “Dad” game. My father has been as good and solid of a model parent as I could ask for. I don’t remember actively paying attention to how he handled situations as a kid, I was more interested in the details. The watches he wore and his hats and his shoes. I see that in my own boys who like to play with my jewelry and hats. One of my boys has taken to wearing two necklaces because I do it. It’s adorable really and a reminder that if the kids are paying attention to the little things, then they’re definitely paying attention to the big things. A lot of the way I operate now, showing up, being present, and handling any and everything that needs handling are things that I learned from my dad that I assume my kids will take from me.
Some of the other stuff that I hoped would come naturally has been more of a struggle for me. I always felt like I’d be more affectionate and cuddly and such with my kids and while I do that stuff on occasion, I wish that was more of how I show up. It’s why, among other things, when people tell me that I’m a good dad, my almost immediate and instinctive response is “it doesn’t always feel that way.” I hear that refrain from a lot of fathers and I know a lot. I’m part of huge group chat of dads in the Washington, D.C. area tied to a motherhood organization founded by my wife. That means that I have A LOT of convos, both privately and publicly, with men who are very active, present and intentional fathers. And a lot of them say similar things—sometimes we don’t always feel like the best fathers.
That’s such an interesting thing to think about. For many men that I know, their goals as dads are to either live up to the amazing father they did have or be the complete opposite of the man who didn’t show up. Knowing what not to do is as important as knowing what to do, I suppose. But knowing all of these men and what their goals are in fatherhood also reminds me of how much grace many of us need to learn to extend to ourselves. I spend A LOT of time replaying situations where I don’t think I handled something properly, from overreacting or just being plain wrong because I didn’t listen, etc. Frankly, I get mad at myself and then get so concerned that I only have so much time left and hope that my bad day doesn’t become the day they remember most about our relationship.
I watch my kids, my boys in particular, interact with their mother and I love their relationship. She’s their soft landing spot and I’m so happy that they have that. I think in my head I would be the kind of dad that was like that, but I feel like I spend so much more time “raising” them, trying to correct behavior or make them think about how they would handle situations, reminding them for the thousandth time to do something (or not to do something) so that they form habits that won’t make them a burden on their partners as they get older and couple up. All of that is important, but I hope I’m not missing the part where my kids look to me for emotional support and guidance as well.
I see movies where boys look to their fathers as best friends. I think as my boys get older and I prepare to navigate life as a Black boy who will become a Black man we’ll get to the part where our relationship feels both friendly AND parental. I just have to remind myself to be very intentional about that. It’s on my mind and heart so I think that’s in the cards. And don’t get me wrong, my boys love me. We play, and we hug and there are smiles, I just think there was a version of fatherhood in my head that wasn’t exactly natural to me being me, which has been one of the things I’ve learned most about my journey: I have to work a lot harder than I realized to be the father I want to be and it isn’t easy.
With that said, I do have to remind myself of that fact—it’s not easy. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t doable or fun. I need to give myself some grace, and I would imagine a lot of men out there do as well, because nobody is perfect. As long as we’re trying to be better versions of ourselves and actively thinking about, and then trying to be, the dads we envision, then our kids will see it. For me, that means spending more individual time with each kid and more group time just doing fun things. Or not being too busy to do certain things because I have this thing or that thing to do. It means more UNO (my four-year-old son hates losing, but one of my favorite things to do is making him draw-4 because he takes it so personally) where we’ve made our own rules that my kids will carry on into their lives. It means being open to random conversations about random things that are, in that moment, important. It also means being softer, not gentle, with providing information and guidance. Working through the frustrations.
Mostly it just means enjoying the moments and time that exist. Tomorrow isn’t promised and yesterday is a wrap. Every day you get a new chance to have a great day. And that goes both ways, the kids need grace and we, as dads, need to give ourselves some grace to not get it perfect, but maybe get it right.
This is my reminder to myself and my sharing with other dads out there that being a father is a gift, it’s precious and I don’t take it lightly. But if you’re not enjoying it then how will the kids? People say time flies, and parents know that as well as anybody. One day you come home from the hospital and the next day your kid is graduating from high school and going off into the world. Those years in the middle might feel long at times, but the day it leads up to makes you realize that the time is gone.
So enjoy being a Father, the kids depend on it, your wife, or their mom, or however your family is configured depends on it. And mostly, you probably depend on it more than you know.
Love yourz. Happy Father’s Day!
Panama Jackson is a columnist at theGrio and host of the award-winning podcast, “Dear Culture” on theGrio Black Podcast Network. He writes very Black things, drinks very brown liquors, and is pretty fly for a light guy. His biggest accomplishment to date coincides with his Blackest accomplishment to date in that he received a phone call from Oprah Winfrey after she read one of his pieces (biggest) but he didn’t answer the phone because the caller ID said “Unknown” (Blackest).
