Credit – Illustration by TIME
When Shari Leid was a teenager heading off to college, she proudly opted for a vanity plate on her Mazda 323 hatchback that was a shortened version of one of her most-deployed words: “whatever.”
Now, decades later, she has a different view of how dismissive it is to shut down a conversation with such a casually snide remark. It is, she’s found, the single word that can break even the strongest bonds—one she’s had to teach herself to stifle in the interest of maintaining healthy relationships.
The problem with ‘whatever’
“Whatever” is a “fighting word,” says Leid, a friendship expert who’s the author of books including The 50/50 Friendship Flow—and it’s an immature one at that. “People stop and notice it,” she says. “It’s in-your-face, and there’s something that feels demeaning to it.”
Brushing off a conversation with “whatever” immediately escalates the tension in the conversation, whether you’re talking to a friend, family member, or the customer-service worker who won’t accept your return. Not only is it passive-aggressive, but it demonstrates indifference or a lack of respect. Plus, it doesn’t leave any room for continued discourse. “‘Whatever’ is such an easy way out—it doesn’t continue the conversation,” Leid points out. “It’s almost like you’re saying ‘shut up.’ Where do you go with that conversation?”
Read More: How to Know if Your Friendship Is Toxic—and What to Do About It
Perhaps that’s why people on the receiving end often report a physical reaction: They might recoil, Leid says, as though they’ve been slapped, as the tension mounts and they realize their friend is OK with treating them in a rude, snarky way.
“It’s a very selfish thing to say,” Leid says. You’re signaling that you “don’t care about their feelings. It cuts somebody off. It’s a hierarchy. It’s a way of saying, ‘Go ahead and give your opinion, but it doesn’t matter.’”
What to say instead
During a recent disagreement with her boyfriend, Leid was hit with a momentary impulse to let a “whatever” rip. She resisted the urge, instead telling him: “I can’t talk to you about this right now.” No matter what kind of situation you’re in, you can buy yourself time, too. “I need a moment,” for example, works well when you’re so amped up that you might otherwise say something you regret. “Even if they incited the fight, the lasting impact of something so dismissive might not be what you want to say in the heat of the moment,” she says.
Read More: 8 Things to Say During a Fight With Your Partner
Taking a beat before responding to a friend or partner is a learned reaction, Leid says, and it doesn’t always come easy. With practice, you’ll be able to respond more calmly and less dismissively. “The more we practice this reaction—especially when somebody’s getting in our face or saying something we don’t like—the better we get at it,” she says. “We’re able to come back stronger and feel confident about what we’re saying.”
You’re probably not the only person who needs to take a pause, either: Your conversation partner could benefit from time apart, too. “It gets you back in control,” Leid says. Now that she’s in her 50s, she knows exactly what her vanity plate would say if she happened to order a new one: “Breathe.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com
Contact us at letters@time.com.
