If you and your partner are struggling to communicate, it can be overwhelming to think about where to start to fix it. Should you focus on little moments of connection, which research has linked to longer, happier relationships? Or should you prioritize avoiding the “4 horsemen” of divorce, coined by leading love researchers John and Julie Gottman?
In a previous conversation with TODAY.com, couple therapist Sinead Smyth, certified by the Gottman Institute, shared some habits she has in her own relationship thanks to her professional expertise.
Therapist tip of the day: Pause before speaking when arguing with your partner
The No. 1 thing you should never say when fighting with a partner is … whatever you have the urge to blurt out without taking a beat.
“In the heat of an argument, it’s not going to come out well,” Smyth explained. “So I usually check myself, give myself three seconds.”
“Don’t fire off when you’re in conflict,” she added. “Take a break, even if it’s just a few seconds, and make a decision about whether it should be said or not and how you’re going to say it.”
Why it matters
You may feel like you’re supposed to progress past certain conflicts with your partner and get the urge to tell them something to prove your point. But in reality, many of the fights in a long-term relationships stay the same over time, Smyth explained.
So, rather than always focusing on your differences in times of strife, it can be helpful to be patient and try to accept that you and your partner are simply different people who may not always agree.
Plus, research shows a strong correlation between excessive criticism and contempt toward a partner and eventually separating.
How to get started
Next time to you want to fire off a response in a conflict with your partner, try taking at least three seconds to think about what you want to say first, Smyth suggests. Ask yourself: Is this really necessary to say at all?
She also says it can be beneficial to respond with something positive instead of a criticism or retort to make things less heated.
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This article was originally published on TODAY.com
