In his memoir, “I Wrote This For Attention,” Lukas Gage transcends typical celebrity tell-alls, offering a raw and intimate look at his tumultuous childhood, the enduring impact of sexual abuse, his journey to embracing his queer identity, and a recent diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. This deeply personal narrative reveals the complex layers beneath his public persona, resonating far beyond the glittering façade of Hollywood.
Lukas Gage, the actor known for his memorable turns in HBO’s “The White Lotus” and “Euphoria,” has penned a deeply personal memoir titled “I Wrote This For Attention.” Far from a superficial account of fame, Gage’s book offers an unflinching exploration of his life, from a chaotic upbringing in Southern California to navigating the complexities of identity, trauma, and a burgeoning Hollywood career. At 30, his decision to release a memoir reflects a desire to reclaim his narrative amidst viral notoriety and public scrutiny, inviting readers into the often-unseen struggles behind the spotlight.
A Candid Glimpse into a Troubled Childhood in Encinitas
Gage’s memoir delves extensively into his formative years in Encinitas, California, painting a picture far removed from its idyllic postcard image. He describes a “deranged little unit” of a family, marked by deep love yet riddled with issues. His narrative lays bare the impact of his father’s abandonment, his older brother’s battle with addiction, and his mother’s struggles with gambling. This challenging environment contrasts sharply with the picturesque setting, highlighting a recurring theme of appearances being deceiving.
Reflecting on his hometown, Gage told The San Diego Union-Tribune, “I think there’s some darkness of that time in my life, I would say, that’s more of a reflection of where I was at.” He specifically sheds light on the pervasive opioid issue in North County San Diego, drawing parallels to the beautiful but troubled settings often depicted in his work, such as “The White Lotus.”
His childhood was also shaped by personal struggles with substance abuse, which he now views with nuance. “I wouldn’t say they’re a friend or an enemy, but like a roommate I outgrew,” he shared with The Guardian. However, he expresses profound disdain for opiates, witnessing their devastating impact firsthand within his community. His early life also included a harrowing stint at a “troubled-teen” camp, which he describes as a form of legal torture.
The Unveiling of Childhood Sexual Abuse
In what is arguably the most vulnerable chapter of his memoir, Gage reveals a traumatic experience of sexual abuse at an acting camp when he was just 11 years old. He recounted on the “Not Skinny But Not Fat” podcast that a counselor instructed him and a girl camper to disrobe while he watched, an event that left him feeling detached and scared.
“I knew it was wrong as it was happening,” Gage writes, as reported by USA Today. It wasn’t until his twenties, through therapy, that he fully processed the experience and understood the power imbalance involved. This slow recognition included feelings of dissociation and a mistaken belief that he was a “willing participant.” The actor bravely shares the difficulty of telling his mother, ultimately choosing to do so by giving her a copy of his book, fearing the shame associated with such disclosures.
Humor has become a vital coping mechanism for Gage in reclaiming his story. He uses it to regain power, refusing to let the trauma make him feel “weak and small and shameful.” For those who may be survivors of sexual assault, confidential support is available through the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or online at hotline.rainn.org/online.
Navigating Identity: Sexuality and Public Persona
Gage’s journey of self-discovery also includes embracing his sexuality. He privately struggled with his identity, recalling moments as a child like dancing in Playboy bunny ears or writing in a diary while listening to Britney Spears, wondering why no one had a conversation with him about his identity earlier. He confirmed his queer identity after having sex with a man for the first time at 19, a pivotal moment he shared on the “Seek Treatment” podcast.
His coming out was complicated by public accusations of “queerbaiting” following a viral tweet. In what he now describes as a “manic episode” and an act of rebellion, Gage entered a very public and short-lived marriage to celebrity hairstylist Chris Appleton in 2023. This highly publicized relationship, officiated by Kim Kardashian, ultimately “overshadows all the work I’d done and the career I was building,” he confessed to The Guardian. It also led to feedback from casting agents that his public persona was too prominent, impacting audition opportunities.
“I lashed out in this very public way that didn’t feel authentic to me,” Gage admitted. While part of him simply didn’t want to be closeted anymore, he has learned the value of maintaining more privacy in his personal life.
Understanding the Inner World: BPD Diagnosis
A significant revelation in the memoir is Gage’s diagnosis with borderline personality disorder (BPD) a few years ago. This diagnosis, characterized by mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and unstable relationships, proved to be a “map” for understanding his past. “It reframed everything for me,” he said, citing past relationships, self-sabotage, and extreme highs and lows.
Going public with his BPD diagnosis was daunting, as he expressed concerns about carrying a “scarlet letter.” However, he emphasizes, “I’m not broken, and that I’m not a liability. I can be a good person. I’m just wired differently.” The diagnosis has been crucial in guiding him toward proper medication and a healthier headspace, helping him to “confront” behaviors from his past.
A Winding Road to Hollywood Success
From a young age, Gage sought attention, finding a legitimate outlet in acting when he moved to Los Angeles at 18. His career, however, has been anything but linear. He recalls an early role in a wart-removal commercial funding his acting classes. While roles in shows like Netflix’s “You” and films like “Road House” built his resume, it was his breakout performances that captured wider attention.
An amusing anecdote from his early career includes being fired from AMC’s “Mad Men” after the wardrobe department discovered his extensive tattoos, deeming them too time-consuming to cover for a shirtless scene. His “Mockingjay” tattoo, from “The Hunger Games,” became a legendary detail on set, as he recounts. Despite this setback, he credits his time on “The White Lotus” as a transformative experience, where castmates like Molly Shannon and Jennifer Coolidge encouraged him. He also acknowledges Sydney Sweeney, his co-star from “Euphoria,” as an anchor during filming, providing a grounded presence.
The Memoir’s Impact and Gage’s Evolving Self
“I Wrote This For Attention” was born out of temporary unemployment during the 2023 actors and writers’ strikes, but it has become much more than a project for Lukas Gage. It’s a testament to his journey from a young man desperate for validation to one who is learning to embrace his complex, multitudinous self. As a performer who pines for the “authenticity” of noughties celebrities but also plugs designer brands on social media, Gage readily admits his contradictions.
He quotes Walt Whitman, saying, “‘Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. I am large and I contain multitudes.’” This sentiment encapsulates his acceptance of his evolving perspectives and changing self, a core message of the memoir. The book, published by Simon & Schuster, serves as both a legitimizing status symbol and a powerful tool for wrestling control over a narrative often dictated by the unforgiving nature of the internet. Gage’s story offers genuine insight into the psychological mechanics of family, fame-seeking, and self-destruction, particularly resonating with younger readers navigating a similar world of digital noise and self-discovery.
