We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but “love bombing,” “winter coating” and “breadcrumbing” aren’t the only not-so-great experiences you may have with a partner, situationship or ex. There’s another phenomenon—and it’s not always done intentionally and maliciously, but it can be—and it’s called “future faking.”
Ahead, psychologists warn Parade about the signs you should look out for, why certain relationship behaviors that seem positive might actually be red flags, and what you should do if you’re experiencing the manipulation tactic of future faking.
Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to Psychologists
What Is Future Faking?
“Future faking is a type of manipulative behavior where someone makes exaggerated, empty promises or creates false hope by talking about a shared future without any genuine intention of making those promises a reality,” says Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, PsyD, LPC-S, a psychologist with Thriveworks in Grand Prairie, Texas who specializes in relationships and coping skills. “It’s a form of dishonesty used to create a false sense of security and emotional attachment in relationships.”
But don’t people sometimes like to dream up fun plans with their partner without making moves immediately, or initiate conversations about marriage before they’re ready to drop down on one knee? Yes—and that’s not what we’re talking about here.
“It’s not just daydreaming or being hopeful,” says Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author. “It’s using those ideas to create emotional closeness now, without actually doing the work to make those promises real. It’s a gift with nothing inside.”
Related: Do Manipulators Know What They’re Doing? A Psychologist Shares the Truth
Why People Engage in Future Faking
People may “future fake” for the same reasons people manipulate others: to get what they want from someone without respecting them enough to put in their share of the work.
“They often seek control in relationships to avoid confrontation and deflect criticism by promising a better future, which helps shift attention away from current problems and maintain a sense of control,” Dr. Vaughan shares.
Dr. Kelley agrees that the action can be born out of an aversion to conflicts or a desire to string someone along, keeping them hopeful without having to make real change.
Related: 7 Genius Phrases to Shut Down Conflict, According to a Psychologist
But the reasoning isn’t always that insidious or intentional, she clarifies. “Some truly believe what they’re saying in the moment,” she continues. “They’re caught up in the dopamine rush of possibility.”
6 Subtle Signs of Future Faking To Watch For
1. Discussing moving in together early in the relationship, but not making any moves toward that
So your partner brings up the idea of living together. Hearing that may simultaneously feel exciting and surprising—it seems a little too early to move in, doesn’t it?
They also don’t make any specific or concrete plans, Dr. Vaughan says. They avoid conversations about whose place you’d move into and how you’d want to manage finances and chores. They just generally don’t seem committed to it.
2. Making plans and canceling last minute
Maybe the plans they suggest do come together, Dr. Vaughan says, whether it’s something on the smaller end, like a dinner, or the bigger end, like a vacation. But then they cancel at the last minute, and your feelings of hope and excitement are lost.
Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists
3. Discussing wedding plans and baby names, but not showing relationship commitment
Early in the relationship, they’re talking like you’ve been dating forever—but then they don’t follow up or show they want that long-term relationship in other ways, like trying to connect on a deeper level or meeting your needs. They show no serious intentions, Dr. Vaughan says, or established commitment to the relationship. (That goes for areas outside the wedding and babies too.)
4. Generally jumping to the end rather than taking steps
The future event in question doesn’t have to be as much of a “mile marker” as moving in together or getting married. It can be any situation, really, where the dreams are big and the plans are essentially nonexistent.
“You’ll hear things like, ‘We’ll travel to…’ or ‘When we start our business together…,’ but months later, they haven’t taken even the smallest action toward that life,” Dr. Kelley says.
Related: 13 Genius Tricks To Catch a Liar in the Act, According to Psychologists
5. Using the future to bypass the present
This is a way some people may handle conflict.
“Instead of addressing what’s not working right now, they redirect with statements like ‘Things will be better once…’ or ‘Let’s just get through this year, and then we’ll settle down,’” Dr. Kelley says. “The future becomes a shiny distraction from the current reality or issues.”
6. Being in love with your potential rather than the real you
Dr. Kelley explains what that looks like. “They fantasize about you being the perfect partner, the soulmate, but when you assert your needs, express concerns or show vulnerability, they seem annoyed, offended or disinterested,” she says.
You may also feel like you have to be “perfect” or fulfill a certain image to get any positive reinforcement or love from them.
What To Do if You’re Experiencing Future Faking
Recognize the signs
While it may sound easy, this advice can be difficult, especially if you feel hopeful, believe them (and understandably so) or feel they’re “the one.” And this harder-than-it-sounds step is necessary.
To summarize what the signs look like, Dr. Vaughan lists inconsistent behaviors, grand promises with no follow-through, emotional manipulation like guilt trips, attempting to isolate you from friends and family, and getting defensive when you question their promises or hold them accountable.
Set clear boundaries and uphold them
Share what you’re willing and not willing to tolerate, Dr. Vaughan says, and be consistent—even if that means ending the relationship. For example, maybe your “line” is them future-faking to distract from important discussions that need to happen.
Related: Here’s How to Set Boundaries In Every Area of Your Life—And Actually Stick to Them
Look back, evaluate and assess the relationship
What’s happening in the present? Has your partner upheld their promises? Have their actions matched their words, and do their timelines come through? These are helpful assessment questions that Dr. Vaughan lists.
Seek support from trusted friends, family and/or a counselor
Don’t keep these concerns inside—verbalize them. Get the perspective of people who aren’t in the relationship and care about you. This way, you get guidance that helps you navigate the situation, Dr. Vaughan says.
Related: 8 Genius Comebacks for Dealing With a Manipulator, According to Psychologists
Take care of yourself by maintaining your independence
As your partner has shown you, they (and/or the relationship you share) may not be as reliable and long-term as you thought. Spending time engaging in self-care, hobbies and other relationships can be a way to ensure your happiness and well-being, with or without them in your life.
More specifically, Dr. Vaughan suggests spending time with friends, working towards your goals, engaging with your interests, focusing on your physical and emotional self-care and acknowledging your self-worth.
This may also mean walking away from an unhealthy relationship, she adds.
Ground yourself in the present
This can help you recognize the signs and connect with your needs, desires, feelings and boundaries.
While taking a moment to just sit, slow down and reflect, Dr. Kelley encourages asking yourself this: “If things stayed exactly as they are today, would I be okay with that?”
Ask for one specific next step
This is a way to assess how serious and intentional they are about what they promised.
Dr. Kelley gives an example related to travel. If they say they can’t wait to travel with you, suggest that you two look at weekend getaway spots that Saturday or Sunday.
“You’re not being pushy—you’re just checking whether they’re invested in fantasy or follow-through,” she says.
Listen to your nervous system
Our bodies understand more than we think they do. So what is your gut telling you?
After spending time with this person, Dr. Kelley says, do you feel connected and calm, or anxious and full of self-doubt and worries?
“Future faking often creates a rollercoaster of highs and lows, and your body often knows what your heart may not be ready to admit,” she adds.
Up Next:
Related: 35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick, According to Therapists
Sources
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Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, PsyD, LPC-S, a psychologist who specializes in relationships and coping skills
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Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author
