Increasingly in today’s society, we’ve become more and more aware of narcissists, those “people who often seem bright and charming and confident, but are hollow inside,” as Dr. Craig Kain, a licensed psychologist in Long Beach, California, puts it. We know that narcissists will use a variety of manipulation tactics, from gaslighting to specific mind games, but we’re betting you haven’t heard of this scheme often implemented by narcissists: “flying monkeys.”
Yes, that’s right—the metaphor of those flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz is being used to describe a way that narcissists try to control or gaslight their partner. And here’s how you can spot the signs.
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What Are ‘Flying Monkeys’?
Dr. Kain explains that in The Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch commands a legion of winged monkeys to do her bidding. “Similarly, the term ‘flying monkeys’ is often used to describe people narcissists use to support them and carry out their wishes,” he says.
These are individuals who know they are serving a narcissist but want to remain within the narcissist’s good graces. Dr. Kain says that these people can be parents and siblings, or friends that on some level can see that their friend is a narcissist, but are willing to overlook it in order to benefit from association.
Additionally, these people may be completely unaware that they’re serving a narcissist.
“They’re under the narcissist’s influence and are subject to the same manipulations we are,” Dr. Kain explains.
The main purpose of these flying monkeys is to protect the narcissist’s fragile ego.
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6 Signs of ‘Flying Monkeys’ Used by Narcissists—and How To Best Respond
1. The flying monkeys take the narcissist’s side
Dr. Kain says that first and foremost, flying monkeys almost always take the narcissist’s side, whether the narcissist was wrong or not.
How to respond: “Flying monkeys will often be amazingly honest when talking about a narcissist,” Dr. Kain says. “So it’s fair game to ask them if the narcissist is ever wrong (not just this time). Be on guard for an answer of, ‘No they are never wrong.’ Let’s face it, no one is never wrong, and the only people who think they are never wrong are narcissists and their flying monkeys.”
2. They will make it seem as if the narcissist’s behavior is normal
Even if a narcissist’s behavior is traumatizing and hurtful, flying monkeys will reassure you that this is simply normal behavior, and that the narcissist is just doing what anyone in their situation would do.
How to respond: “Can you think of people who don’t do what your narcissist is doing? Are they people you respect? If you can answer these in the affirmative, what the narcissist is doing is not what everyone does, and the fact that they do it is not normal to other people except to flying monkeys,” Dr. Kain says.
3. They insincerely apologize
Since these flying monkeys will act as a narcissist’s “surrogate,” they will occasionally “apologize” for them, as Dr. Kain says. He adds that these “apologies” typically come in the form of “the narcissist didn’t mean it,” which isn’t an apology. These people apologize for the narcissist when the narcissist doesn’t apologize at all.
How to respond: “Be on guard for faux apologies,” Dr. Kain cautions. “If the apology isn’t coming from the person who hurt you, they are probably not sorry. The narcissist is not sorry just because a flying monkey says they are.”
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4. The flying monkeys make you feel alone in your feelings
“If we begin to question the narcissist’s behavior, their flying monkeys will often tell us we are the only one who feels that way,” Dr. Kain says. “Everyone else loves the narcissist and thinks the narcissist is a great person who is a lot of fun to be around.”
How to respond: Dr. Kain says that the flying monkeys love the narcissist, so that means everyone else must too. “Introduce the narcissist to your friends and hear how they feel about the narcissist,” he advises. “You may have to tell your friends it is okay to be absolutely honest with you, as some people are reluctant to speak poorly about someone we’re involved with. Listen to the people who know you more than the people who know the narcissist.”
5. They’ll remind you how ‘lucky’ you are
Dr. Kain says that flying monkeys love to remind us of how lucky we are to be dating or married to the narcissist.
How to respond: “If you don’t feel lucky, you probably aren’t,” Dr. Kain says. “It doesn’t matter if everyone around the narcissist believes you are lucky to be with them—if the narcissist’s behavior isn’t making you feel valued and important, you’re not very lucky. Plus, luck is not the source of healthy relationships. Hard work is and narcissists rarely want to do that work.”
6. They’ll make you think that you are the narcissist
Once you start to understand that you’re involved with a narcissist, Dr. Kain says that the flying monkeys, in an attempt to keep you under the narcissist’s control, will suggest that perhaps you are the narcissist.
How to respond: If this makes you wonder if you are the narcissist in the relationship, Dr. Kain says that you can just ask your friends. “We all think of ourselves sometimes but that doesn’t make us all narcissists,” he explains. “If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist and their flying monkeys are telling you you’re the narcissist, it’s probably not true—you’re not the main star of the film, you’ve probably got a supporting role at best.”
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Source
Dr. Craig Kain, licensed psychologist
